I feel unhappiness in my life because I lost my faith to the person I love so much, my Catholic faith had shattered, I lack trust and confidence for myself, I discovered truths in life which I thought only exist in books and movies, and I let regrets and sadness tear me apart.
I am bitter with my previous relationship. I feel like I was being played. I blamed those stupid intruders who screwed up everything, I blamed myself for the chances I throw away, I blamed both our pride, and I even blamed God for letting me suffer that kind of pain. My Catholic faith had shattered primarily because of the strong influence of my college friends in higher years. It happened during my first semester in UP Mindanao. They share to me their insights and arguments about issues on different religions, and it was really convincing. I have insecurities over my classmates, friends and a cousin who is very intelligent. I feel like I am inferior to them. I am not the type of person who is very envious of what other people have. However, on those times, I really feel that way. I always have negative thoughts that I might flunk some of my subjects. I always stay away from my block mates because I did not feel belongingness. Until I had close ties with some of my upperclassmen. Somehow, I would prefer to call them “my drink mates” because our drinking sessions made me more acquainted to them. I am not really a drunkard, other people are just exaggerating the fact that I drink occasionally. I had an affair with someone. It was not really an affair because we never talked about “us” at all. Maybe it is better to name it as “modern mutual understanding”. I knew he has a girlfriend, but we are enjoying each other’s company. We always stay together and even spend time with each other. That’s how I perceive the situation. I know I have special feelings for that man, but I don’t know who I am for him. I really dunno and I don’t want to know. It breaks my heart knowing his girl loves him so much. That situation is also the reason why I believe, it is better not to have faith for someone than having it with that someone’s betrayal. At times when I stay alone, many things bother me. Moreover, when I get to scrutinize those little by little, I’m making myself regret. Looking back became a habit that causes me to feel so much pain all over again. I always cry and I hate it…really hate it. Blaming myself and regretting something has been a part of who I am.
I put in mind that things happen for a reason. God is always reasonable enough to give us trials. Life doesn’t have to be perfect. Human as we are we always commit mistakes but at least we learn. It is never wrong to have faith.
I seek God and feel Him in my heart. I forgive those who hurt me, and I forgive myself. I accept the things that happen in the past and just leave it there. I let go of my hatred, fears and insecurities. I get to live my life again. I allow myself to love, to trust, to have faith and to be happy. I appreciate whatever life would bring to me.
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